


Wishing Myself Better

by teamfreeawesome



Series: Lilo drabbles [8]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Louis-centric, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2013-11-06
Packaged: 2017-12-31 17:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamfreeawesome/pseuds/teamfreeawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Louis feels like sometimes it would be easier to just... not exist. </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wishing Myself Better

**Author's Note:**

> Another 30 (which was more like 10 because it was itching to be written and I didn't have a lot of time :S) minute drabble WHICH I SHOULD NOT BE WRITING BECAUSE 1. NANOWRIMO *shrieks and cries about how little I've done* 2. MY ZIAM FIC
> 
> Please heed the warnings, my loves.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not true. It's a work of fiction and no harm was meant by the writing of this. To me: fanfiction One Direction are fictional characters. I don’t, in any way, equate the stories to their real-life counter parts, because they aren’t the same people. Also, please, nobody send this to anyone included in this fic or anyone that they know.
> 
> Comments and kudos are like FINE WINEEEEE <3

Louis feels like sometimes it would be easier to just... not exist. To  _float_.

It would be easier than this constant _ache_. It’s the ache of living _hopelessly_ , the dull throb of pain sitting under his skin as he drags his bones out of bed every morning.

And Louis –

He looks at Liam and he sees _brilliance_ and _intense_ and _laughter_. He looks at Liam and sees a body so filled with light that it burns. Liam is _burnt_ into the back of Louis’ eyelids, the very shape of him like a desperate taunt.

Because Louis –

He _wants_ to be bright – for him. For Liam. And instead it feels like his skin is sagging beneath the weight of his grief. The tug of it pulls at the corners of his mouth until he can’t remember what it feels like to smile.

Every step and every breath is a monumental effort, and it _hurts_. Louis _hurts_.

 _(It’s the scratch of nails across his lungs as he struggles to breathe through his tears because_ oh _it hurts it hurts it hurts please)_

*

Sometimes Louis wishes to be _noticed_. Because. He hides it well, Louis does. Hides it hides it hides it until it’s not hidden anymore – until it’s bursting from his seams and he’s struggling not to let the tremble in his bottom lip become anything _more_ because _fuck_ he’s in an interview an _interview_.

He just –

It’d be nice if the world could just –

                                                                                stop

                for a day or two or three

Until he can breathe again. Until he can face anything outside his bed. Because. Liam’s worried, yeah. Because. Louis is crying and crying and he can’t stop and he can’t leave his bed because the world - the world is too fucking _big_ and too fucking _awful_ and he _can’t_ he _can’t_

And. It’s not about loneliness. Not really.

He doesn’t even fucking know what it’s about. He just –

Would like to feel happy again. Would like sweet Liam kisses and soft cuddles. Would like to receive them without sobbing into Liam’s t-shirt. Would like to lie next to Liam and giggle. He wants –

Well. It doesn’t matter what he wants.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like a lot of my Lilo drabbles are very _sad_ and that is a bit not-good. I'm very sorry.


End file.
